"Conversations With Buddha"- by Matthew Liu

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Hi, Buddha. Recently, I’ve been trying to be a good person, and I have taken almost every step to make my life a fulfilling one: I have attempted to approach life with compassion to abet the lives of others in hopes of finding benefits for myself. Today, I ask you to provide me with a meal of prosperity to help me with the upcoming challenges I am to face. I will take the next few minutes to reflect. 

… 

Today, I did not want to eat the fried chicken Dad brought home. Dad looked especially cheerful when he came home, arms in the air, shaking the red-and-white-striped bucket like a young boy eager to open his Christmas presents. Though today is not Christmas, I 

could tell he wanted to at least bring the joy of the holiday to the dining table. Tepid, my face returned his joy with a default smile: slightly raised cheekbones, straight-lined lips, and squinted eyes. Colonel Sanders did not seem to excite me the same way it did in my life before the age of ten. 

I’m reminding myself of the summers when Dad would take me to work 40 minutes away from home. I loathed going to that dental office. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I had to sit in the computer room that was just able to fit me, a desktop computer, and a wall lined with grown-up snacks–snacks too healthy for my sweet, root canaled tooth. Every other week, Dad would ask me, what do you want for lunch? as to which I would answer KFC! in the most enthusiastic way a child could answer.

It’s been a few years since I’ve last had KFC, and I think Dad realized that too. Maybe he remembered my old reactions to the buckets today, wanting to ameliorate our falling out in the morning. I’m not sure why I rejected his chicken wings with so much passion. I was already eating a pack of Shin Ramen, yet I kept on telling Dad that the chicken was too unhealthy. Is that hypocritical? I’m not sure why I didn’t sense his disappointment at the moment–it was like he refused to believe that I truly didn’t want to eat the fried chicken, but I guess I, too, was feeling stubborn. I think it was as I was slurping on my noodles that I began to realize how ignorant I was being to Dad’s feelings. I can’t even remember if I was holding a grudge against him for that argument or if I was truly being oblivious. Does this mean I was not able to fulfill my duty for today? Buddha, maybe I’m not so deserving of fortune. 

*** 

Hi, Buddha. I apologize for my behavior yesterday. I understood your message after experiencing the mishaps throughout the day. My actions have consequences, and I’ll try to act better. 

*** 

I’ve witnessed the cycle of the sun & moon rising and falling for multiple days since then. Today is 中秋节–Mid-Autumn Festival. I am now to admire the moon, but first, I need to bring my development to your attention.

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One: Earlier this week, I lent someone my pencil; they seemed like they were in urgent need of something to write with, especially since we had an exam. When I heard someone else reject his request for a pencil, I felt certain that it was my duty to offer a hand. I was stressed that day–if you were watching, you could have seen that I was anxious thinking about my precarious future. I only had two pencils in my pencil case. I hesitated at first, initially giving him the red pencil without an eraser, but I changed my mind: I thought that if I gave him the green pencil with an eraser, then that would be classified as an act of kindness. I also let him keep the pencil when he tried to hand it back to me. 

Two: I complimented three people yesterday. I think when I saw each of their bright reactions to my words, I felt satisfied. I don’t recall what they said back to me, but I can tell you what I said: in the morning, I told my friend that I like his hoodie; I later told my teacher that I liked his lesson plan for that day. At the end of the day I told…I forgot, but I definitely did an act of kindness–will you remember that for me? I hope this doesn’t make me seem less of a good person–isn’t it ‘good’ that I lifted their spirits? 

Three: The plastic wrapping to my straw fell out of my pocket. I stared at it for a few seconds. It had already touched the concrete floor that was contaminated with other trash. I winced at the thought of my hand making contact with the infected plastic. Despite my thoughts, I decided to act against my habits to pick up my trash. I left the area feeling proud of my altruistic-self. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my intentions. 

… 

It’s now time to cherish the beauty of the moon with a plate of two mooncakes to accompany the festivity. I never truly understood why we celebrate the moon every year. I learned the story of 中秋节 when I was eight–a woman named Chang’e drinking an elixir of immortality to stop an evil man from stealing it from her husband; now, she resides on the moon. Mom told me that Chang’e sacrificed herself for her husband, but in my eyes, it just means that she never got to see the love of her life again. 

The rabbits are chasing after each other in front of my house. Maybe if Chang’e let the evil man steal the elixir for himself, then she could have reincarnated with her husband to be those two rabbits–she must certainly be regretting her decision. The Buddhists in Taiwan read aloud a text that said rabbits represent compassion; I watch as the rabbits now rest on each other under the bushes, grateful to be in each other’s presence. 

Since the day of my sixth birthday, I’ve associated all things round as a symbol of harmony. The moon is full, and Dad sat down next to me on the step outside of my front door. I gave him the mooncake that I had yet to start eating, and together, we ate the sweet, calorie dense dessert.

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Today, my teacher taught us about Shi Huang Di during the Qin Dynasty. He believed in Legalism–this philosophy postulates that humans are essentially bad because they are inherently selfish. I scoffed at the idea that people actually believe in such a thing. 

*** 

Hi, Buddha. Today, I don’t have much to say, just a few questions: 

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How does someone get good karma? 

Am I fulfilling my everyday duty? What even is it? 

What does it mean to be a good person? 

Please try your best to bring me answers. I’m not sure what caused me to have a bad day: today was filled with sickness and misfortune even though I tried my best to exhibit good morals. I feel like everything–every big and small anticipation–that could have gone wrong, did. I just want to know where I went wrong, and how I can improve. 

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I’ve taken a few hours to reflect, and maybe I will just try to stop trying to be compassionate. That isn’t the type of person I am. Do I provide philosophers with an example of Legalism? Why haven’t I seen the rabbits lately? 

*** 

The following days, I felt free from the burden of trying to act for the eyes of Buddha: I was living without the need to prove myself. 

For my psychology class, I was asked to collect fifty post-it notes from people in my life, each with three words that describe me as a person. After counting the frequencies of each word, there were 36 variations of the word ‘kind.’ It was confusing to see this, and even though it was flattering to hear, it became one of the things that I passed off as superficial–I didn’t think I did anything ‘kind,’ and it was just something that I felt incredulous towards. 

Later, Mom surprised me with bubble tea, thanking that she is grateful for me taking care of my family so well, especially 阿妈. According to her, I’ve been patient with 阿妈, something I feel is unnecessary to be rewarded for. I could see that Mom and Dad were getting exhausted from taking care of 阿妈, especially due to her Alzheimer’s worsening, so I thought helping them was a given. The drink tasted more refreshing than usual. 

***

I called Dad today. I knew he had a half day at work, and he would be coming home early. The sun was shining down on Bao as he barked at the animals from the living room window. I chuckled at that scene, asking Dad if he could bring home fried chicken–I was hoping to see him come home with the red-and-white-striped bucket again. Recently, I’ve been feeling sentimental, and I wanted to live past joys with Dad. 

I accidentally dropped two drumsticks when I snatched the bucket out of Dad’s hands, but I’m glad we just had a laugh about it. With the smell of savory spices and warm pepper, I felt like I had arrived back in that tiny office room, giggling at the joy of eating KFC. At that moment, I knew that the healthiness of smiles and bond would conquer my denigration of the fried chicken. Buddha, please bring me more prosperous meals like this one. 

*** 

Hi, Buddha. I’m revisiting you after taking some time away. I’ve noticed that you provided me with some answers to my questions. 

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Good karma is something that I’m now choosing to ignore. As I think about it more, it begins to pollute my actions to become fraudulent–life should not be lived in such a way.

My everyday duty is to not seek rewards. I feel a sense of peace knowing that a person who lives well will live naturally. 

Is this what you’ve been meaning to tell me? 

… 

Tonight, I will observe the moon, hoping to see the rabbits playing on the moonlit grass. I wonder if Chang’e even feels any regret when she looks down at her rabbits, or if she even noticed that she made a sacrifice in the first place. I’m realizing that the reason why we celebrate 中秋节 is because we are honoring an intention that was made without wanting ceremony–we are honoring compassion.

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